


In The Yellow Light

by monkiainen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Slice of Life, sometime after first movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:01:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25127404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monkiainen/pseuds/monkiainen
Summary: Tony does not believe he deserves to be loved.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Kudos: 18
Collections: Captain America/Iron Man Bingo





	In The Yellow Light

**Author's Note:**

> For the square _"writing format: slice of life"_

There was an unbelievable sadness surrounding him these days. Nothing felt right, nothing felt good. He just existed and nothing else.

Rationally Tony knew it was all because of Obie, because of the arc reactor poisoning, because of everything that had happened to him in such a short time. He was a paradox – admired by everyone, and yet so incredibly alone.

Pepper… oh, Pepper. She was everything Tony wanted, in theory at least. She was smart and compassionate and put up with Tony's antics. But she was… well, she. Tony had figured out long-ago women weren't the thing he most wanted, but he had kept up his lifestyle for appearance's sake. It was sad that even if everything had advanced considerably in the past decades, people's attitudes against everything that didn't fit the heterosexual norm… hadn't. It was best to keep your head down, metaphorically speaking, and do the thing people expected from you.

There were nights when Tony couldn't bear the all-consuming loneliness anymore. The call of Metropolitan was something he couldn't ignore, not now, when all he wanted was to have someone holding him even for a little while, even if it was all a big lie. So Tony headed out, hoping that there weren't any press around – he didn't want his secret to be revealed.

It turned out Metropolitan was having a special night – a male stripper show. Huh. Not exactly Tony's idea of a smooth, uncomplicated night at the bar, but watching good-looking men taking their clothes off on stage wasn't a bad thing per se. Just… not what Tony would have wanted tonight, but it was what it was.

Besides, Metropolitan was one of the few places in town where people couldn't care less who he was and what he did for a living. To the regulars and bartenders, he was just Tony, an obscenely rich guy who just wanted to be a regular John Smith every once and a while. And that was without Tony first paying them ridiculous amounts of money – when Tony had first offered the big fat check to Paul, the owner, he was told very icily but politely that Metropolitan didn't operate like that thank you very much. Tony couldn't understand that at first; why would anyone say 'no' to money? But as months went by Tony got to know Paul and the rest of the staff better, and he realised Paul had been genuine. Everyone in Metropolitan really did treat everyone the same, regardless of their social status and wealth.

Metropolitan truly was one of the few places Tony felt he could be himself all the time.

Male strippers it was, then. Hopefully, they were at least good-looking, or Tony would be sorely disappointed. The music started – and really, could it get any more cliché? A bunch of male strippers, dressed as firefighters, dancing to the beat of YMCA. But it worked, maybe because it was all a big, fat, gay, cliché. It was… surprisingly fun, even if none of the guys were exactly Tony's type. Still, they were young and muscular and seemed to like their job.

Muscular… okay, now Tony should really think of something else. Something that wouldn't remind him of Captain Bloody Perfect America, who was so disgustingly perfect example of a heterosexual American icon it made Tony's brain hurt. Like, Steve was the reason why Tony couldn't really be Tony because Tony sure as hell didn't look like Steve and most definitely didn't act like Steve. Fuck, the pure Captain was probably still a virgin and was waiting for the Right Gal to show up. Apparently, it had been Aunt Peggy during the War, or that's how Tony had interpreted the things.

Oh, fuck it all. This was all getting too depressing. It was better to head back to the Tower and lock himself to the workshop for an all-nighter. Not the most mature way to deal with things, but that was the only way Tony knew so there. No one was going to act surprised if Tony spent yet another night alone tinkering with his machines.

It would be nice, though, if there was someone who cared. Someone other than Jarvis.

Sure, Pepper cared in her own way, and so did Rhodey, but it wasn't what Tony was looking for. It was never going to be. No one really loved Tony, never had. He was just a tool, a means to an end. Tony was not an Avenger – Iron Man was. And that was okay because at least Iron Man was helping people, unlike Tony.

All Tony ever did was make a mess of things. It was better for everyone if Tony stayed single and never had children of his own.

It was dark and silent at the Tower once Tony got back. It wasn't surprising, not at all. Not everyone had a screwed up sleeping schedule like Tony did. Except that…

Apparently, Steve was awake as well, drawing something in the endless sketchbooks Tony had left lying around the communal area. Tony was mesmerized by Steve – he looked almost ethereal in the moonlight shining from the windows, only a small desk lamp illuminating Steve's face.

It was as if the time had stopped for a moment.

Tony could almost _feel_ the longing in the air – was it his or Steve's? He had no idea. It would take Tony just a few steps to reach Steve, to tell him how he really felt about Steve, to tell Steve what kind of person he really was.

Then Steve realised he was being watched and the moment was broken into tiny little pieces.

Tony made up a hasty excuse _(they were his speciality, weren't they?)_ and asked if Steve would like to join him for a late-night snack. Tony was so sure Steve was going to politely decline it took him a moment to realise Steve had actually said "yes". 

Okay. So, what now? Did they even have any food in the kitchen? And why was Steve looking at him like that? It was weird, really weird. As if… Steve wanted to spend time with Tony?

Nah. Couldn't be. Tony must have been even more desperate than he had thought if he had illusions about Steve wanting to spend time with him. Better just forget it.


End file.
